An Absolute Nightmare :(

So I thought that I was getting somewhere with Puppy, I thought that I was beginning to cope without A and I thought I was organised to go back to work.

Oh how wrong I was.

I had an email from A this morning and my heart leapt! I haven’t been happier in a long time. Finally some communication. I had a few relieved tears to myself.

Puppy slept through last night and I was able to keep him in bed until 5:50am.

Then the nightmare began. He wouldn’t get into his harness, I couldn’t stop him biting me or barking at me. All I wanted to do was to take him out for a morning walk so that the contractors could come in at 8am and fix all the maintenance issues with our flat. I was up ’til 12:30 last night moving the furniture on my own (it is a lot heavier than I thought!) and getting everything organised. So you can imagine my utter despair when, whilst out on my walk, bleeding from puppy teeth, I receive a text stating he wasn’t going to come today and would need to rearrange.

And now the tears are flooding, I can’t stop myself, I am in an absolute crying for A, for my mother, for someone to tell me that everything is okay, someone just to help out and stop my anxiety taking over. All I seem to do is worry about everything. A struggles to understand why I can’t comprehend that he isn’t thinking something. He doesn’t realise that my mind is constantly playing out my life, thinking of every way that it could go wrong. I moved here to be with him and I have never felt more alone in my life. I just wish there was someone who would listen…

A, remember, no matter what, I will always love you. Stay safe Sailor Boy xxxxxx

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After the first night…

So here I am again, writing the morning after. Last night was so tricky. I have never been one to get nervous about being on my own in the dark but I found myself waking up to every single little noise, which I guess is a given now we have such a little puppy.

Puppy started whining around 1am on and off and I gave in around 3:30 and took him out . It was cold and lonely and it made it so obvious what the next few months will be like. The nights are drawing in, the temperature is dropping, the rain will appear and maybe the snow too. Having that time to think obviously didn’t do me any good and by the time I got back to bed, the tears had already began to flow.

I obviously miss A much more than I thought I would. On our second to last night together I had reassured him that I was strong enough to do this. Maybe, just maybe, that I could make it through this time. Now, I’m not sure that I could have been more wrong. I miss him every minute of every hour and I am wishing my life away until he gets home. All I want is the love of my life to come home to me every day. I do understand that this is the life we chose and that will never be a possibility but I struggle seeing everyone else with their partners every day. Oh what I would give to be able to moan about him not doing the dishes, or leaving his pants on the floor, or making me watch crappy shows on the TV. Oh what I would do to be able to hear him say ‘I love you’ before we fell asleep.

Wherever you are A, remember that we are here, eagerly awaiting your return and that both puppy and I love you to the ends of the universe and always will. Stay safe xxx

Day 1

I’m not really sure that anyone will end up here reading this but I am starting to write to vent my feelings during my better half’s deployment.

Let me start with how we got to this point. I met A around 18 months ago and soon realised that he and I were meant to spend our time together. He was in the navy then and had just received news that he was about to commission as an officer. This was very exciting for both of us and I was already very proud. We dealt with the ‘no leave’ period, the early starts and the late nights. But nothing could prepare me for the pure dread of a deployments.

He went away for the first time (out of the country) in May. Man, that was tough. But now, now the deployment is much, much longer. Also, to throw a spanner in the works, we have a 13 week old Golden Labrador to keep me on my toes. In an ideal world, puppy was supposed to help me feel less lonely, but as it stands, I feel worse with him. He takes much more supervision than I thought that he would and it is very stressful. Stress, coupled with missing A, leads to tears, tears and more tears.

So, here we are. The proudest RN girlfriend out there, on day 1 of deployment. I start a new job as an NQT in 3 days and I am more than aware that I will be completely run off my feet with school. All in all, I think that I am very overwhelmed. I need to settle myself and puppy into a routine so that we can both settle and count down the days until A is home to us both. I have spent today crying and crying and crying because I miss him so much, but it is feelings like this that reassure me that I am in the right place in life. If I didn’t love him so much, and I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t be so upset that he is gone. So I guess that there is a silver lining there somewhere…

Wherever you are A, remember that I love you, Always xxxxx